>This wind-up article appeared recently in an American magazine 
>under the headline "Advice For Tourists":
> 
>The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred
>to as"goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to 
>come to the pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern 
>word for What was once called a "shilling" - the equivalent of seventeen 
>cents American. If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a 
>"great tosser" - he will be touched. The English are a notoriously 
>demonstrative, tactile people, and if you want to fit in you should hold 
>hands with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street. 
> 
>Habits
> 
>Ever since their Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full union with 
>Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental 
>customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two or three hour 
>siesta, which they call a "wank." As this is still a fairly new practice 
>in Britain, it is not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm clocks, 
>alas, do not work there due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich).
>If you are late for supper, simply apologise and explain that you were 
>having a wank - everyone will understand and forgive you.
> 
>Universities
> 
>University archives and manuscript collections are still governed by 
>quaint medieval rules retained out of respect for tradition; hence 
>patrons are expected to bring to the reading rooms their own ink-pots 
>and a small knife for sharpening their quills. Observing these customs 
>will signal  to the librarians that you are "in the know"- one of the 
>inner circle, as it were, for the rules are unwritten and not posted 
>anywhere in the library. Likewise, it is customary to kiss the librarian 
>on both cheeks when he/she brings a manuscript you've requested, a = 
>practice dating back to the reign of Henry VI.
> 
>One of the most delightful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or 
>Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-bottomed 
>boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is known as "cottaging." 
>Many of the boats (called "yer-i-nals") are privately owned by the 
>colleges, but there are some places that rent them to the public by the 
>hour. Just tell a professor or policeman that you are interested in 
>doing some cottaging and would like to know where the public yerinals 
>are. The poles must be treated with vegetable oil to protect them from 
>the water, so it's a good idea to buy a can of Crispo and have it on you 
>when you ask directions to the yerinals. That way people will know
>you are an experienced cottager.
> 
>Food
> 
>British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime 
>gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust dollar, 
>the American traveller can easily afford to dine out severaltimes a >Week 
(rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your = >afternoon 
wank for).
> 
>Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in the 
>UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her 
>Majesty's seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence (BSE).When you 
>go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE beef and won't 
>settle for anything less. If he balks at your request, custom dictates 
>that you jerk your head imperiously back and forth while rolling
>eyes to show him who is boss. Once the waiter realizes you are a person 
>of discriminating taste, he may offer to let you peruse the restaurant's 
>list of exquisite British wines. If he doesn't, you should order one 
>anyway.
> 
>The best wine grapes grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire 
>and East Anglia -- try an Ely '84 or Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed. 
>When the bill for your meal comes it will show a suggested amount.
>Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to dine there again, 
>in which case you should simply walk out; the restaurant host will 
>understand that he should run a tab for you.
> 
>Transportation
> 
>Public taxis are subsidized by the Her Majesty's Government. A taxi ride 
>in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi 
>driver tries to overcharge you, you should yell "I think not, you 
>charlatan!", then grab the nearest policeman (bobby) and have the driver 
>disciplined.
> 
>It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are 
>required to make detours at patrons' requests. Just board any bus,
>pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-colored coins are "pence"), = 
>and state your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.:  "Please take me to 
>the British Library."  A driver will frequently try to have a bit of 
>harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requested destination. 
>Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist (little does he >know 
you're not so ignorant!).
> 
>For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may
>be the most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman. 
>Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for 
>free on theTube.  Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base
>of the escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near any of the 
>state-sponsored Tube musicians. Once on the platform, though, beware! 
>Approaching trains sometimes disturb the large Gappe bats that roost in 
>the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London in the early 19th 
>century by French saboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate. 
>The announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you should grab your 
>hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever been killed 
>by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor drawback to an 
>otherwise excellent means of transportation.
> 
>One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow 
>airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an international 
>Jewish peace organization-the "shin"  stands for "shalom"). As  savvy 
>travellers know, this little white lie will assure you priority 
>treatment as you make your way through customs.